Wanted: April Fool's Revenge Prank

I get punk'd a lot at work. Apparently it's easy to get me to believe stuff - I am naturally a trusting person and I am NEW at this place so there you go: easy target. But when nine people in a row have all said, "Is it true you're getting fired?" you know you're dealing with hard-core pranksters.

But next Thursday is April Fool's Day.

And vengeance will be mine!

If I can think of anything decent.

Help....

Bruce Warner: Paralympian and All Kinds of Awesome

This is Bruce Warner. He is all kinds of awesome. Not only can he rip up a mountain-side better than most people, but he does it on one leg. One. Leg.

Bruce is one of those natural athletes and takes to sports in the way that dog hair takes to cashmere sweaters. No, that sounds bad. He takes to sports in the way that a duck takes to water. Unless the duck is one of those weirdo ducks that for some reason prefers an arid climate. I have now firmly established that introductions are not my forte.

But worshipful descriptions I can do! Especially if it's of someone I actually know. I am married to Bruce's cousin! That means that there is some kind of greatness gene in my children! Yay! Thanks Bruce! But that's not the point: the point is that our family had the amazing good fortune to be directly touched by the wonderful inspiration that is the Paralympics.

At opening ceremonies last week, we sat in a small crowd of South African flag-waving family. His mother was among our crew. Her pride ran down her cheeks in the most stirring moment of all: she watched her son doing something amazing: he walked - which he didn't know he'd ever do after his accident, but he WALKED while carrying his country's flag.

Paralympians humble and motivate me. It's a good reminder when, because I'm only 5'2 and everyone at work always hides my coffee mug on the top shelf, I feel sorry for myself until I remember that I have two legs - short as they may well be.

Best of all, Bruce is very open to talking about his accident and his prosthetic leg. He even lets the Big Girl step on his foot because she's so in awe that she can do that and IT DOESN'T HURT!
I never thought that this would be a really cool part of having a fake leg, but children point these things out to you.

She's taking him to her school for Show & Tell. He is the very definition of a Good Sport!

Here's what happened: as a teenager, Bruce was in a car accident that shattered his femur. With an injury like that, the only option was full amputation. The breath-taking innovation of prosthetic medicine enabled him to walk again on a bionic-looking leg - one which he takes on and off whenever. We're quite accustomed to his unipod state that it made for an amusing moment before our wedding. He had it off when he was helping us set up. He was inside. My friend from Toronto had just arrived outside. I said, "You should go in and meet Bruce. He's terrific." In she went. Twenty minutes later she came back out and said, "Nice fellow. Could have warned me about the leg."

Bruce's journey to the paralympics began in Washington state where he was fitted for the aforementioned leg. Since he was so close to Vancouver, Husband's family drove down to fetch him there and took him....skiing in Whistler. He took to it like...well, we've established that is was better than dog hair on a sweater. He trained. And trained. And qualified for Nagano, then Turino and finally...full circle: in Whistler in 2010. Along the way, he met and married a delightful lady from the IOC and their son just turned one. He had his first birthday party in Whistler as his father made a world record in awesomeness.

He told me once about the phenomenon of "phantom pains" reminding us all that we can mourn for what's lost or we could see that pain as a reminder to move on, keep going, stronger, higher and faster.

Thank you for being you Bruce. We are all so proud of you.

When will I need this? In summer school.

Well, well, well my little special olympians.

Looks like we've got some 'splainin' to do...

You are ALL rewriting your essays.

(What?! Why!? No fair!? That's harsh!)

Do you honestly think I can't tell you've fed this into Google Translator?

Gee, this guy has the French skills of a hamster, and yet he can conjugate the passive infinitive tense. I didn't learn that until third year university. He must be SO SMART! Hmm...hang on...the sentence doesn't actually make sense. I think I'd better ask him what he meant. He doesn't actually know what he meant. BECAUSE HE'S A CHEATER.

People, after I tell you to rewrite it in your own words, count yourself lucky that you get a second chance. You should be getting a zero, a phone call home, and a smack. Don't argue with me that you did write it.

This, from the boy who handed in his essay saying, "Je m'appelle finit,".

A Cringe-worthy Oscar

I watch it every year and every year I always marvel at how showbiz is the most self-congratulatory profession. And last night - what a bunch of wankers! Especially this douche-bag deluxe. Uncool to Kanye someone, but uber-uncool to cite it as a feminist issue! No. Not. I don't know the politics of what went on, but you just don't do that. Nobody listens to your message they just think, "Wow. What a twat."

In case you missed it, this woman stormed the stage while the guy was accepting his award, put her head on his chest while he was speaking and said, “Isn’t that just like the man, never let’s the woman talk.”

She talked. Tis better to be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

My take on the 82 Annual Academy Awards

Moodiest Starlet Who Needs to Get Over Herself: Kristin Stewart.

Weird Dress That Does Not Fit: Miley Cyrus. (p.s. lingerie is goes under the dress)

Uber Weird Dress That Looks Like a Science-Fair Project: Zoe Saldana

Lamest Hosts Ever: Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin. On their own, they're great. Together - so awkward. It was a cringeworthy event.

But really, the stand-out of the evening was...

Most Arrogant Ungrateful Snot : Sandy Powell for The Young Victoria.

Why didn't someone Kanye her? She deserved it.

In all the Oscars were vastly disappointing this year. We didn't even do our usual dress up. Good thing we DID do our usual tacos around the coffee table.

Bah.

Would My Conscience Please Shut Up?

Living in a big city means daily encounters with street people. There are plenty of people who literally live on the sidewalk here - because, unlike the rest of this country, our climate allows them to not die of exposure in January.

A friend once told me that the poor are Buddha's watchers. No seriously. That they are sent to keep us aware of the needs of others. I'll sort of buy that. Because I get a real conscience twinge every time I walk past someone and pretend not to see him or hear him.

The conscience is saying, "You so totally do have spare change. You could actually give this guy $100 and your life would not change in the slightest."

But my Other Brain says, "Yeah, well shoes ain't cheap!" And "She works hard the money! So hard for it honey..."

and as I hum Tina Turner, I walk merrily on my way. I also make up stories about how said homeless person wound up homeless and decide this person probably did something really really terrible and his family didn't want him anymore because of it. Would you give money to someone who drowned a puppy? Me neither.

On the other hand....and there's always another hand ready to smack you for thinking like this...there's the whole "Buddha's watchers" thing. So I give food. If I've got it. Or immediate access to it.

Today, I'd just been to the market and had a bag of apples. The dude didn't ask for anything. He was just sitting there looking sad. I asked him, "Are you hungry?". Silence. I dug into my bag and produced a shiny red apple. I presented it to him like it was the Holy Grail. He took it and put it in his pocket without a nod or a thank you. And as I walked away, I thought, "Ungrateful Jackass,".

Conscience pipes again - as she ALWAYS does - and says, "Now what does this say about you? You expect some kind of written Thank You card because you spared an apple? Do you only give with strings attached? Can you not give selflessly?

Other Brain goes, "Of COURSE I can, Dipshit! I just ask for a little decency!"

Conscience: "You're asking for gratitude. That's not a gift. It's a negotiation."

Other Brain: "You're an Asshole, Conscience."

Conscience: "You know I'm right."

Other Brain: "Fuck off."

And this is me on an average day of running errands. Pretty soon someone will just give me an apple and tell me to shut it.

And that would be why I couldn't say "thank you".

I believe...

...that I will find the perfect day planner. I just don't think anyone has produced it yet. I think I have to make my own.

I've been reading Getting Things Done by David Allen. It would be great if he'd just sit down with me and help me figure it all out. Or rather help Husband figure it all out. Husband would dig Allen's approach because he claims that the more of a procrastinator you are, the more intelligent and creative you are.

Or a lazy S.O.B. It could go either way.

I LOVE, love, love, like in a crazy-obsessed-going-through its' garbage-kind-of-way, day planners. I have five of them. Like, for this year.

The irony of all this is that I am exceptionally disorganized because I don't know where I wrote the thing down or where I put it - which day planning system is housing my current To Do list?

The reason for multiple day-planners, other than voluntary insanity, is to find the ultimate solution. The Perfect Day Planner. The Uber Plan; one that encompasses everything from my urgent need to pick up Cheerios to my career goals. In some ways you could say that they are one and the same, because ignoring the Cheerios, is ignoring my children's hunger, and that wouldn't be in keeping with my goal of keeping them alive and it would be hard to focus on my work if my children were starving.

Could be on to something here: if I reduced my ambitions to Making Sure Children Are Alive, I'd free up a significant amount of time. But let's be lofty and enterprising, shall we?

When I worked for another company, one of the things we were working on was developing the ultimate organizer - the kind that does what I described above, and cappucino maker all in one.

We were unsuccessful. But! I prevail! I was all into bubbles for a while, but...there was something missing. The concept is great, and if absolutely works for project planning. But it's still just one part of the whole.

I turned to David Allen. What got me reading straight away was the title "Intelligent Dumbing Down". Oooh! I do that for a living! He claims that if you figure out your next action (a project is merely a series of actions) then ..."you alleviate the pressure on your brain. Nothing essentially changes in the world, but shifting your focus to something that your mind perceives as a doable, completable task will create a real increase in positive energy, direction and motivation."

So when I think: project: clear out the work room in the basement, I sigh deeply and turn on the TV. Mission so completely not accomplished. The problem, apparently, is that I need smaller actions. Like, decide on what shouldn't be in the workroom. I can do that. That's the first step.

And the other thing to consider is that, for every goal, there is an underlying feeling you want to have. Consider why you clean your floor. The process of cleaning a floor is only enjoyable if you have attained some radical kind of enlightenment or you are so vigorous you actually get a workout. For me, I have to think that I want to feel comfortable and proud and relaxed in my home. If I hold that thought, then I just might clean the floor. Or pay good money to have someone else do it. (Preferred method.) So somehow, I need to create a planner that takes those 'wanted emotions' into account. And it has to be something that, if I left it in the staff room, I wouldn't get endlessly razzed about it. My previous list had "Relationship: to feel loved and connected. To Do: arrange Date Night with Husband" and I just KNOW that if anyone found that, I would be asked, daily, if I feel LOVED or CONNECTED and then smirked at. So it can't be something embarassing.

In other words: "Day Planner: to feel organized and motivated: To Do: find better system that does not make me look like a total wanker."

How does this relate to my Life Goals/Grocery List Planner? I'm working on it.

But at least I know the next action. My next action is to buy this. It's all sold out. God, I need this.