A word of caution

If you're ever constipated, and you try a mild laxative, here's a tip:

Never, ever, and I totally mean this, drink a latte eight hours later.

Especially if you 're at work.

In front of people.

'Nuff said.

The Epic Saga of our Reno

People tell us that it Takes Longer You Think to get a reno project done. So far, this is proving to be nauseatingly true. We've been waiting to START since June. This does not bode well. The upside is that we're not currently under construction (upside?) and we're not yet cashtrated.

Did they need a permit to build the Great Wall of China? No, they just DID and you know, I'm pretty sure that our reno won't be seen from SPACE! It's a basement. A few walls. A new floor.

Then I keep hearing these ads for the Home Depot: "You can do it. We can help."

NO I CAN'T. STOP ENCOURAGING ME.

Church Mice

I saw this here and laughed my ass off. I always appreciate some religious humour since I think about religion more now that I ever have before. This was the final thing I could handle last night. I went to bed and continued laughing until I fell asleep.

Excuse me, but I think you've forgotten your REAL job.

There is one member of my family who is not impressed with the idea of me working for a living.

Dog is outraged.

He only knows me to be the constant feeder and walker. Now that I'm at work, his days no longer involve two hours at the dog park, followed by a tummy rub on the deck and treats at regular intervals.

To retaliate for this heinous neglect, he ate my shoe.

Okay, not all of it.

Just the toe part.

Asshole.

Passing the Torch

Tonight it was my duty to present some medals at Academic Achievement Night.

After twelve years as a teacher, this was the first time I stood on a stage, and placed a medal around a student's bowed head. There was much grumbling among the staff at having to stay late at work, the auditorium was too hot, the sound system wasn't up to par...

But not from me.

I loved it.

After all, not so long ago, it was me awkwardly trudging toward the stage to receive an award, in an adolescent cloud of shy pride. Placing the medal around a student's neck was a moment frozen in time for me. It was like looking back a few years, or a lifetime really, and being transformed from Student to Teacher. When you're an academic at heart, that's the goal.

I've no regrets about the lugubrious side roads I took along the way, but ultimately - that podium, holding that medal, and shaking that hand - is where I was headed all those years ago.

I'm there.

How to: Unstick a Zipper

When your zipper gets stuck, rub a pencil along it. The graphite lubricates the teeth.

The Uniform

I know. This blog has been a vacuum of content lately. I have an excuse! I just started working. Once I figured out what I was doing, I had to sit back and think of the most critical issue of all: WHAT TO WEAR.

This is different, see. I can't wear jeans. My entire wardrobe is built around jeans. But if my students can't wear 'em then it's only fair that I can't either. Mind you - I could wear yoga pants and flip flops (as some staff do) but it's...uh, not me.

So I was thinking about the uniforms that the students wear. And it's smart. Really smart. If it works for them, then somehow I can rock it too. ROCK it. (Not look like a flight attendant.)

Here's what I'm going to try:

1) The Grey Sweater Phenomenon. I keep buying grey sweaters. There must be a reason! Because, it's not like I need another grey sweater. (Husband can be heard smacking his face into the monitor in vehement agreement.) Maybe I am subliminally in tune with my fashion core. Maybe it just means I know that grey sweaters work for me.

2) List Making. We all need to edit our clothes. Good advice I heard was to make a list of the things people compliment you on. Then, make a list of the things you love to wear. If your list has something that matches the other list - you've got yourself a keeper.

3) The Costco Mindset. Buying in bulk might actually be a smart way to go. Once you find a brand and style of shirt that works buy a few. Anyone who has experienced the heartbreak of their favourite jeans being discontinued knows this to be true. Husband has a thing about socks. He really hates it when I wear his socks. (I maintain that "they're just socks" but I steal his because they're nicer than mine.) But recently, he bought 30 pairs of them. Why? Because he knows he likes this particular kind. Or maybe because he knows I will snatch 'em.

I worked with a woman who had 19 white blouses. It's all she wore. I thought she was really weird. But now, I get it. She was actually very clever. If that's too OCD for you, maybe buy every colour of the pants that fit you perfectly.

4. Remember The System : My mom had The System. She'd find something like, a pair of boots for $250. She'd divide that number by the number of outfits that would go with them. Then she'd divide the new number by the number of times she thought she would wear them. She would always come home telling my dad that, "She couldn't afford NOT to get them,". (She also squirreled receipts away. That helps.)

5. Unmistakably You. Necklaces, scarves, cuffs, hosiery, hair and makeup. 'Nuff said.

How To: Retrieve Stuff from Under the Fridge

Things go under my fridge to hide or to die.

Rather than move the fridge, grab your car's snow brush to get under there.

But I warn you: the army of dust bunnies will come out with whatever went under there.

How To: Keep a Dripping Faucet From Driving You Insane

Get it fixed!

Until then, tie a string around the end of the spout. Make sure it's long enough to reach the drain.

The water will drip down the string without making any noise.

The Lesson

Then Jesus took His disciples up the mountain and gathering them around Him, He began to teach them saying:

"Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven. Blessed are the meek. Blessed are they that mourn. Blessed are the merciful. Blessed are they who thirst for justice...Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in Heaven..."

Then Simon said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And Peter said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
And John said, "Will there be a test on this?"
And Matthew said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this,"

Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus' lesson plan and inquired of Jesus His annual goals and short term objective in the cognitive, affective and psychomotor domains.

And Jesus wept.


*Just in case you think I was clever enough to have written this myself, I wasn't.

What's it all about?

I am trying to be a better Catholic. Which is impossible because I'm not actually Catholic.....yet!

(Scared ya, didn't I, Husband!?)

It's part of my job to uphold The Faith, so I've decided to research it and really understand what it is. I'm involved in my own catechism-lite. Today I attended Catholic Mass. It was supremely beautiful. I loved it! Even though I didn't understand all of it. I got the gist. I liked the music. I really dug the Archbishop and his backup singers. (I'm sure they're called something else, but for now...perhaps I should have called them, "assistants").

Part of my foray into Catholicism is my new job, but also because, for some time, I've been uncomfortable with the fact that my children have no religious foundation. Husband and I have wanted to let them choose when they are mature enough to do so, but more and more I am suspecting that a moral compass outside of our family is important.

Moreover, it's the education about religion in general in which we are heinously remiss. We were driving past a mosque, when the Little Girl oohed, "Jasmine's Castle!".

Yesterday she was in helping me set up my classroom and asked me why there was a big T on the wall. Shhh! Don't say that out LOUD! People will hear you and know that you don't even know what a crucifix is! We're keeping this on the down low until Mummy can rectify matters. Daddy will have to deal. (He's already said I can take them to Mass but he's never ever coming with us - which will be a whole other interesting discussion.)

The last straw came this afternoon when I was telling both the Big Girl and the Little Girl about how I wanted them to go to mass with me - you know, just to see what it's all about.

Big Girl: "What IS is all about?"

Me: "Well, it's where you learn about God, and Jesus and ....and....Mary."

Little Girl: "Poppins?!"

Have mercy.