Vive la difference.

We have a friend from Mexico. (Yes, thank you. We're quite proud ourselves.)

Yesterday, we were both listening to the news on CBC and she was a bit surprised that in Canada, we get all bothered when something bad happens. Like, someone murders a couple people and it's all over the news.

So she was telling me that in Sinaloa, you can be driving down the street and see someone pull out a shotgun and snuff someone point blank. Broad daylight. All that. She said it's pretty much a daily happening. In Canada, we'd screech to a halt, call the paramedics, and see if maybe the perpetrator just needed a Timmy's double-double.*

But in Sinaloa, if you slow down your car when this happens, your passenger will scream, "Arechewfuckingcrazy mang?! Keep driving! We didda see nothing!"

Ah, vive la difference.

I like living in Canada. I really do. I love that it's hard to get a gun. I love that you can marry your lover even if he/she is the same sex as you. I love that I can go to the emergency department of any Canadian hospital and not have to pay for my treatment before they surgically re-attach my hand. I love that we are so busy drinking coffee that we don't give a rat's ass what most of our politicians do. If Steven Harper** got a blow job*** in his office from an intern, we would never hear about it because nobody cares.

We're too busy drinking coffee.

And hunting moose. Tee hee.



*That's coffee with cream and sugar to my international readers. All two of you.
** That's our prime minister - to my international readers. All two of you.
*** That's awesome no matter where you live.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day

Your morning cuppa can do more than just wake you up. It can make your hair shiny.

Once a week, or whenever you feel like it, do this:

1. Steep 2 tea bags in 2 cups of boiling water for 10 min.
   
2. Don't drink it. The tannic acid would probably erode your teeth enamel.
   
3. Once it's cool, pour it over your wet, just-washed hair, rubbing it in like a shampoo. Leave it on for 10 minutes.
4. Then wash it again with mild shampoo and make sure you condition to seal in the gloss.

If you're:

Blonde = use chamomile
Redhead= use rooibos (which is pretty much good for everything)
Brunette = use black tea (it won't turn your hair black. I promise.)
Alien = use green tea (just kidding, I don't know what gun powder jasmine would do, so maybe just save that for after lunch sipping)

Why this works: Apparently, tea lowers the pH of hair, closing the cuticle for shine. Why anyone would actually know this is kind of strange, but there you go. Something trivial and only marginally useful. (And speaking of weird uses for your morning brew - some people swear that rubbing warm coffee grounds on their thighs reduces the appearance of cellulite. But then you have a shower full of coffee grounds and quite the explanation should anyone walk in on you. Heads up.)

Till Home Improvements Do Us Part

What a weekend! What a flurry of activity and home improvement! Husband and I got through the entire thing without arguing once. I KNOW! Naturally, this fills me with dread that we're about to have a blow-out of staggering proportions involving door-slamming, threats and broken china. (Not that we do that sort of thing. Of course not. We never fight.)

Before we got married, we lived in sin and therefore reserved our spots in Hell. We weren't too bothered by it though, and decided to get hitched in an Anglican church entirely to please our parents (and because we thought we'd better be indoors in case it rained). The Anglican Church insisted that we take a "Marriage Preparation" course before they could 'bless our union'. I made inappropriate jokes about having to go to Bride and Groom School. And what would happen if we flunked out. And stuff.

But now that I've been with the same person for seventeen years...SEVENTEEN YEARS!!! Hang on, I need a moment....

.....

Okay, I figure I could write the curriculum for Marriage Preparation.

1. Pick a project to do together. Not scrapbooking (too many sharp things).
2. Do the project. It has to involve the expenditure of vast amounts of money and sweat. It also has to have a distraction of some sort. (Hint: you get bonus marks for including a hyper-active dog, small children and paint.)
3. Report back.

If you can do that, and still be on civil speaking terms, you pass. If you can do that and still actually like each other, you get an A.

What's truly astonishing to me is that nobody has ever asked me to do a Marriage Prep course. I KNOW! I have so many great ideas!

Oh, and yes, we did get homework. (Giggle) We had to go home one night and 'love each other in a non-sexual way'. Not to be immature but snort, snort, giggle, poke. I don't remember what we wound up doing. Probably got some take-out and watched TV. What? We didn't throw anything at each other, and we were respectful with the remote control, so that's "loving" isn't it? And there's no way you could call that 'sexual', so ...there. I did my homework. But I also passed him notes in class, and occasionally snickered audibly. That makes me something of a delinquent. The teacher said I was the only bride she'd ever encountered who couldn't remember when her actual wedding date was. (I did, I just got it wrong.)

This rambling post really just concludes what I've suspected all along - that the worst students make the best teachers. I think.

Every Friday is So Not Health Day

Because why would you take health advice from a person who has been sick for four and a half months? I realized, while clutching the toilet yet again, that my relationship with the bathroom floor has grown deeper than my relationship with my husband.

That's not good. What's more - I then become terrified that my last living thought would be, "This tile needs grout,". Then I freak myself out completely and decide to blog.

So, I canned Health Day. Honestly, what do I know? I know that ice cream and potato chips are wonderful things. Things that sometimes make life worth living. It's just that if I have them I will throw up everything I've ever eaten. It's like involuntary bulimia.

Yay me.

Today my neighbour asked me if I'd lost weight. Yes, indeed I have. It's because everything except vegetables and whole grains makes me sick. And beans. Beans are good. For your heart. The more you eat, the more you...

But enough whinging. Things are happening here! We're painting our front porch. This is why I haven't written anything. There's nothing to write about. The kids are fine and normal. Husband is working ridiculously hard. I am working at being hardly ridiculous.

Nada. All I can offer is my lame excuse for slacking off. There 'tis. You're welcome. I just wasted another two and a half minutes of your life. Not gettin' it back. No refunds.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day

Alert reader Samara asks:

"Now, what I am curious about is WHY you should not have nail polish on for a few weeks? I ALWAYS have nail polish on my toenails and I have noticed that they are becoming discoloured so thought I would give it a break over winter, BUT I was wondering if you know WHY it's not good for them? Tell me more, tell me more!!"

I will! I will! I'm not a dermatologist, nor do I even play one on TV, but I'm pretty sure that nails are, essentially, part of your skin, and as such, need to 'breathe'. My mother never wore nail polish because she said her nails needed to 'breathe' which I thought was terribly strange. It turns out, she was right. However since it looks so pretty, let's do it anyway!

But let's do it right.

1. If you're going to be treating your feet with AHA or any other kind of lotion, your nails won't get the benefit unless they are polish-free. Your nails will absorb the cream, oil or whatever you put on your feet. This also means that they'll absorb all the nasty chemicals in the polish, but I can live with that for short-term.

2. Nail polish can stain your nails if you don't give them a break from it. If your nails are discoloured, take the polish off. Then plunge your feet into a bowl of warm, sudsy water that has lemon juice in it. Let them soak for about 15 minutes. If they're very discoloured, add a few tablespoons of hydrogen peroxide to the water instead of lemon juice.

3. When you do put polish on, always put a clear base-coat on first - this will help prevent staining, especially if you wear really dark polish.

Go forth and paint.

P.S. And to other alert reader Rhonda: BHA and AHA are both great for the skin, but they do totally different things. Beta Hydroxy Acid exfoliates within the pores - usually dislodging blackheads and gunk, whereas Alpha Hydroxy Acid exfoliates the surface layers - which is great for rough, dead, or otherwise unwanted skin.

Happy Birthdays to Yous

Last week was Birthday Week in our family. Husband's was on Easter, then the Big Girl's friend on Monday, the Big Girl on Tuesday and the Little Girl on Wednesday.

The Big Girl is now seven. Seven! Could I love her more?

You love everything High School Musical.

Your endless cheerfulness is contagious.

You can read now!

You can take a letter to the post-box all by yourself but I still can't let you because I worry too much.

You adore your dog and he sleeps on your bed every night.

You still don't eat your dinner and you continue to always 'have room' for ice cream.

You started 'real' school this year. Grade One!

With it has come some brutal lessons of childhood.

I wish I could protect you but I love you enough to let you walk this road yourself.

I will walk beside you.

Always.


The Little Girl is now three. Three! Could I love her more?


As you proudly strut off to preschool every morning, with your tiny hand in mine, I am acutely aware of how fleeting this is.

You are growing so fast - not for long will you look earnestly up at me and ask if the ladybug is flying home to her babies.

Your eyes so big with wonder and your mind so full of questions.

You take joy in everything and your laughter is the sweetest sound.

You do your 'funny walk' to make your sister laugh.

And nobody can make you laugh like she can.

You are becoming fiercely independent. If you can - and sometimes even if you can't - you insist on doing it your self.

You have the craziest bedhead I've ever seen.

You love ponies and princesses.

You twirl.

You yell.

You are everything all packed into one tiny person and I love you so much.

Where Do Babies Come From

If your child has started to ask you the question: Where do babies come from? have I got an answer for you.

Just take them here and it reveals all.

You're welcome.

Every Friday is Health Day..but I forgot it was Friday on Friday so here it is on Sunday.

People often ask me, “How do you stay so slim and fabulous-looking?” And I say…nothing, because that’s a total lie.

People don’t, in fact, ask me that question, but since I got whistled at on the street last week, I feel imminently qualified to dispense dietary advise. Yes, I have let it Go To My Head. The last time I got whistled at was 1994, so you can understand why the novelty of it has made me think that I now hold the key to my own arsenal of knowledge I like to call:

Weapons of Ass Reduction.

I do pay attention to what I eat, and I weigh the same that I did when I was fourteen. This means that I am terribly ill and shouldn't even be vertical. No, actually, I'm really short so I shouldn't weigh much more than I do anyway.

There are a few things I do that I think are worth mentioning.

Give up Sugar

This is not easy. But it's totally doable and if you can make it through the withdrawal, and stay sugar-free, you're good. (Please don't drink diet soda though! Aspartane is pretty much rat poison. In fact, I think it was behind the 9/11 attacks but since I can't prove it nobody takes me seriously.)

Eat in Reverse

I eat dinner for breakfast. If I have it my way, which I often don’t, I'd eat breakfast for dinner. Nothing makes me as happy as a plate of spaghetti bolognaise for breakfast, and some fruit salad and a bowl of cereal for dinner.

And why not? Who says we *have to* do it the other way ’round? If you do this at work, people will ask. They may even make fun of you, in which case you should spit in their coffee. But seriously, the people who made a big deal out of my 'weirdo' breakfasts at work, were the same ones who were always on some fad diet where they couldn’t eat anything that cast a shadow, and they were therefore miserable.

Eat to Lose

Eating something substantial first thing in the morning isn’t for everyone. But it works for me (and I got whistled at so clearly, I’m an expert!) I scarf down proteins, carbs and anything else that tickles my fancy (provided it has no sugar or fat**). The magic ingredient here is protein. A bowl of cereal isn’t going to cut it for me. And don’t even get me started on muffins…because muffins will kill you.*

It makes sense to me to start off with your biggest meal, and gradually decrease. That way, you’re better prepped for a good night’s sleep (unless you’re starving…in that case, my expert opinion is that you should eat something.)

*Not really. But I don't trust them.
** Pancreatitis - it changes you. That's the good part about it - you can't gain weight on a post-pancreatitis diet.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day

Sandal season is approaching. Believe it. Get excited. This usually means looking at your feet in dismay. I have a solution to winter-weary-rather-disgusting-feet.

If you're wearing nail polish, remove it. (Not forever, just for a week or two.) After your shower, gently push your cuticles back, then rub some AHA lotion on your feet before putting on your socks. AHA is the greatest stuff for feet since Laboutins. And much more affordable.

AHA stands for Alpha Hydroxy Acid and it exfoliates the dead skin cells. Much nicer and more practical than power sanding your feet with a pumice stone.

I love Paula's Choice Body Revealing Lotion and use this on my feet. I don't love the smell, but since it's just going on my feet, I don't really care. You could do your own thing with a mixture of olive oil and brown sugar. Just add enough sugar to turn it into a paste, and massage it into your feet. You don't even have to rinse it off - just get most of the granules off if they're going to bug you.

If you do this every day for a week, your feet will be smooth and ready for summer.

NEW: Every Friday is Health Day!

Since we're building amazing salads, let's keep going on that theme this week.

A very simple thing to add texture and flavour to salad is to make your own croutons. Not hard at all. Promise.

Why it's better than buying them:

• you can make them from multi-grain bread (and avoid the empty calories of white bread)
• it's way cheaper than buying them.
• you finally have a use for bread heels that nobody ever wants.

Stack up a few of the bread heels, and add in a a slice or two of the in-between bread. Using a sharp, non serrated knife, slice into 1/2" strips, then cross-wise. Preheat your toaster oven (or normal oven) to about 325, drizzle olive oil over a baking sheet, and toss the bread squares on it. Shake on some seasoning (I used Garlic & Herb) and toss again. Bake for 5-8 minutes. Let them sit in the oven for about 10 minutes after they've baked to make them crispier.

My children like eating these as snacks since they have some sort of 'problem' with salads.

Girl Crush

Before I had a girl crush on Michelle Obama. That was until I saw Hilary Rhoda. Now, I don't actually care if she has a brain, it's just...wow. WOW.

If I could custom-order a face, it would be this. I'll take the body too, thanks. I'm not complaining about what I did get - but really - how can I get my eyebrows to do that?

This is the kind of picture that makes me think:

a) There is no denying the awesome power of makeup.

b) There is no denying that some people just clean up in the genetic lottery.

c) Did I leave the iron on?

Nevertheless, this woman is beyond stunning. If were a crazed middle-aged man with anti-social tendencies, I would totally stalk her. But since I'm not, I'll now do everything I can to look EXACTLY like her. I will have to get taller. A lot taller. And thinner. A lot thinner. Oh yeah, and grow some seriously Brezhnev eyebrows.

Wish me luck.

My Amazing Friend and Why She Rocks

I'm going to write about my Amazing Friend Andrea again and the big lesson I learned.

The other night, I had another little meltdown - this time about my condition. I was feeling mighty sorry for myself because it turns out that I still can't eat like a normal person without feeling like I'm going to die. This kind of sucks. And I totally lost perspective - that being that all I have to do is think a little before I eat something. Nevertheless, the WHY ME IT'S SO UNFAIR rant came fast and furious.

The next day, I went to see my Amazing Friend Andrea, and I told her what happened.

Andrea: "Why didn't you call me?"

Me: "I didn't want you to think I'm a spazz"

Andrea: "I already know you're a spazz."

Me: " True."

It was quite refreshing actually. Those friends who know your weirdness, love you anyway and have a way of making you feel like your weirdnesses aren't all that weird at all. They're the gems.

And that was that. She first told me that it was completely normal to feel ripped off by my condition then she offered some genuine practical tips and even gave me a few things for diabetics that she had lying around.

Done.

This is why my Amazing Friend Andrea should be a psychiatrist. She'd charge a lot less because she's got such a fast turn-over. Problem? You're normal. Here's what to do. Next...Or maybe: Problem? Wow, that's weird. Here's a referral to someone who won't laugh. Next...

She's a gem.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day

This doesn't come as a nifty little thing you can just do. It's more of a lifestyle thing. And it's not always easy.

But it's worth it.

Tip: Drag yourself out of bed 15 minutes before your family wakes up.

It ALWAYS makes a difference when I do it. Those peaceful moments where I just have a silent coffee, read a little, write, or sit set the tone for the day. A calm tone and boy do I need that.

Right now, Dog is intently focused on watching the sun come up beside me here. He's got this expression that's like, "I dare you to shine on my house! I will bark at you! I will!"

This would, of course, shatter the peace of the morning, but on the off chance you don't have a dog who is indignant about dust particles floating near him, you could really enjoy yourself.

NEW: Every Friday is Health Day!

Want to know the simplest way to boost the nutrition and flavour of any meal? The brighter the colours, the healthier it is. Unless your plate is full of Tropical Burst Skittles, or Lucky Charms, colourful foods tend to have high concentrations of vitamins and phytochemicals (things that help prevent disease).

My goal right now is to think of buying a rainbow when I'm at the produce section.

Red: tomatoes, watermelon, strawberries, peppers, beets, grapes, red onions, pomegranates...
Orange: peppers, carrots, peaches, cantaloupe, oranges, sweet potatoes, mangoes, squash...
Yellow: peppers, bananas, hams, squash...
Green: brcoccoli, peppers, beans, kiwi, grapes, peas, avocados, greens...
White: onions, cauliflowers, garlic, white potatoes, leeks, turnips, jicama, pears...
Blue & Purple: blueberries, plums, raisins, grapes, eggplant, endive

Okay, I'm not going to buy the ENTIRE rainbow, but I'm trying to come home with one new veggie each week. Before I started this, I had no idea that absolutely everyone in my family hates radishes. See? It's all good.

We're supposed to eat eight servings of vegetables and fruits every day. Trying for the rainbow makes that much easier. Especially if you toss them all into a salad.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day

Sorry this is so late. I blasted this one straight from this month's Real Simple magazine:

Use an old nylon to prevent gunk from getting into your hairbrush. Push a swatch of stocking fabric over the bristles, so it rests on the base. When the brush needs cleaning, remove the swatch and hair and gunk will go with it.