I now have another reason not to read the news. It usually depresses me, or angers me, or convinces me that my carbon footprint will set the world aflame if I don't ditch the van and take a goat to work. But it's also the fact that "new studies" are published and I'm baffled.

THIS JUST IN! Sociologists Scott Coltrane and Michele Adams of the University of California, have come to the staggering conlusion that fathers who do housework with their children, have well-adjusted kids and their wives want to jump their bones. More so than if they didn't do anything at home. This is actual news?
These sociologists found that children who do housework with their fathers are more likely to get along with their peers and have more friends. What’s more, they are less likely than other kids to disobey teachers or make trouble at school and are less depressed or withdrawn. Trouble at school, get out the vacuum. No really. Get it out!

Scott Coltrane says, “When men perform domestic service for others, it teaches children cooperation and democratic family values,”. So the domestic work that women do is completely irrelevant in terms of their children. Oh, look - a MAN emptied an ashtray, therefore his child will be president. A woman repaved the driveway? So what?

But it's not just the children who are affected by calling Dad "Martha". It's us...according to Dr. John Gottman at the University of Washington, "When men contribute more domestic labor, their wives may be more likely to get “in the mood.” There's an epiphany. Dr. Gottman, you are so intuitive and brilliant. "When you're finished waxing the floor, you can wax my knob," has never been seductive. Perhaps in some internet movies it is...but again, that's porn for men. Now porn for women on the other hand would absolutely involve gentle caressing of a feather duster on furniture. Yeah, baby. Oh, your vacuum hose is so big! God, you know how to get...right...in...the corners! No, you're going to change the sheets? I can't take it! Hang on, I need to take a drink of water, okay - oh...my...god...he's fluffing the pillows. I could die.

Dr. G sounds like the kind of guy who thinks he's effectively altered the universe by having ironed a shirt.

Coltrane said, "Wives may be less stressed over balancing work and home." You think? Did it really take a PhD for you to come up with the theory that four hands work better than two. My kid's in kindergarten and she says that all the time. Can you sing the alphabet too, Mr. Coltrane?

In addition, Coltrane, Gottman, and other social scientists report that wives interpret husbands’ domestic contributions as a sign of love and caring and are therefore more sexually attracted to their mates. Although there is more negotiation over who does what in such families, it appears that their relationships actually improve.

These sociologists have not touched on the all important Score Factor in this scenario. Being the tyrannical matriarch that I strive to be, I couldn't have married a man who wouldn't do his fair share. But being the irrational dickhead that I also am, I Keep Score. It's the worst kind of team effort. Because when you win, you still lose.

According to their research, fathers still do less than mothers, but they are increasingly likely to assume at least some responsibility. Am I missing something? This is good? This is like the report card that says, "He's still basically a tool, but we're becoming hopeful that he may become likely to do something positive." Isn't that the same as saying nothing? I thought so.

Wait, it gets better: Although most American men still remain helpers to their wives, they are doing a larger share of routine duties associated with raising a family, like cooking and cleaning up. Not only are they more likely to do more of the everyday domestic work in households, but also they are more likely to hug their children and tell them they love them than in previous decades. In short, say researchers, at least some fathers are beginning to look more like mothers. Yeah, Andy, I want my bra back.

“One of the keys to successful sharing of tasks between husbands and wives is a belief in gender equity” said Coltrane, who pointed out that men and women who believe that fathers should be involved are the most likely to share all sorts of family work.

Okay, how do I NOT have my PhD? This is so blatantly obvious it makes me dry heave to think that someone touted this as "research". And now ladies and gentlemen of the Nobel committe, I'd like to present my theory that winter is colder than summer. I came to this conclusion based on the temperature readings taken over a period of 365 days. It would also suggest that the nightime tends to be darker than the daytime. This discovery came from a burning desire to discover just why Corey Hart wore his sunglasses at night so he could so he could...

I still don't know.

But I know this: four hands work faster than two.